I got to a point where I said “I really can’t do this anymore”.
I couldn’t do this life. I was tired of not fitting in, tired of the ‘fakeness’ around, tired of emotional bondage. Tired of broken promises from people, tired of the lies, tired of the games. I was really tired of selling myself short, not knowing what was what, who was who. I was tired of being blinded by people, couldn’t tell the real from the fake and couldn’t show me their true face. I was tired of the ulterior motives and the non-truths.
I was like, “this really can’t be life”. Why I feel so out of place? Why I just never fit in? Why I do things a lot differently, why I think differently?
I was at a breaking point. You know, the fork in the road, where you can’t go straight anymore? Yeah I was there. Couldn’t coast in life anymore. Had to make a decision. I had to either make a left or a right.
So after that faithful day of walking into my worship center in Decatur, GA, my life was forever changed.
As a person, when I put my confidence in, make up my mind and stand firm on something, I give it my all. I understand all aspects of it and evaluate the pros and cons. So when I started to live for Jesus really, I didn’t know what and who was going to be in my corner when it was all said and done with. I told myself, ‘If I am going to do this, I am going to be saved for real. Not for play, play. I am not going to be just a church goer. I am not going to make excuses to backslide. I want my life to exemplify, most importantly, all the fruits of the spirits.” I told myself, “I want people to see Him through the way I live.”
And it wasn’t an overnight success. I didn’t wake up the next morning doing ‘saved’ things. I didn’t wake up the next morning thinking and acting differently. I woke up and still had my same issues, still had the same people in my life, still had the same problems to face.
But the difference was, that I now, didn’t have to face them alone. I could now choose another route to take in my decision process.
I learned being a true Christian and being saved is a daily walk with Jesus. It is a lifestyle. It is a daily choice to please Him in all aspects of your life. It’s choosing the right way to handle every situation that comes, despite how we may feel about it. As a Christian, you literally put yourself aside for the ultimate good. When you say “Yes, I am saved” this should show by the fruits of what you do. And you should also ask “Are these fruits pleasing to Jesus? Is how I’m living pleasing to God in His sight?” And most people now ask, well what is the blueprint of how to live that is pleasing to His sight? The Bible.
Of course, as a society, we read to find direct answers. For instance, we might not find an exact scripture saying ‘Don’t cuss each other out’ but it will say ‘But now you must put them all away: anger, wrath, malice, slander, and obscene talk from your mouth’ Colossians 3:8. But when you actually read the bible, it has a lot instruction on how to live a life that bears good fruit.
I digress. My original point is, the transition was definitely not an easy road to travel down. Always in the back of my mind were questions like “what will they think of me?” or “is this just a phase?” or “will there be a lot of things I have to give up?” And with this path, there is a lot of things that one must give up. Christianity does not fit and mold around someone’s lifestyle. You have to fit and mold around it. Just like a code of conduct at a place of employment. If you go against certain things, you will get fired. The same goes for this. The Bible is our code of conduct.
And with this, there comes discipline and honesty with yourself. Because, at the end of the day, it is a conscious decision when you choose to live a life for God. I think most people think that being saved will just ‘hit’ them one day. Like their lifestyle will make a drastic change overnight. But it doesn’t work that way. It’s effort. It’s discipline. It’s not making excuses. (The ‘crutch’ people use.) It’s self control. It’s being selfless. It’s really just truly acknowledging God in every step we take.
As a Christian, I am so much happier! There is a certain peace and calm. I worry less, depend on God more. I have fun, laugh more. Have more meaningful conversations. I even trust more. I’m more determined and more focused. Doing greater things. I can love again, because I have discernment over who I allow in my life. And it is a great feeling and a feeling I couldn’t get where I was.
The feeling reminds reminds me of the William McDowell Song I Belong to You:
I’ve been captured by a love I can’t explain. And now you have me and I’m forever changed. I’ve abandoned everything I’ve ever known. Now I surrender my life is not my own. I belong to you.
So I really hope this encourages someone who is still straddling the fence. Trust me, I have straddled the fence too. Kept going to God and cheating on Him. Making promises and breaking His heart. I have done it all. But I realized all the ‘not fitting in’ and the ‘thinking differently’ was because I was set apart from the beginning. In life, in general, it takes courage to do what is right. So walking with God isn’t any different. It takes courage. It takes a lot of guts to proclaim Him as a lifestyle. But I know it is so much more worth it. Ephesians 4-5 is a good starting point in the bible to read how a Christian should walk.