Perfectly Imperfect & Stingy With Me


(When I want to write a quick social media status, but a blog post comes out of it… geez!)

I really want to scream from the top of my lungs: I AM NOT PERFECT!  Sometimes I feel I should purchase a tee shirt with this phrase and wear it every day… just because I try to do things right. I try to be honest. I try to walk with integrity. I try to lend a helping hand. I try to do what is asked of me. I try to be loyal. I try to walk with love. I try to be understanding. I try not to be vengeful. I try… I try… I really try. But I will not always embody these characteristics, always.

I remember I was taking someone home from church one afternoon and we came to an intersection, where a woman was asking for some change. She came to my car window, and I shook my head “no”. As the woman proceeded then to get an attitude, I drove off because the traffic light was green. As I drove off, one of the women in my car told me “Amber, I thought you were going to go ahead and give her some change, you know… little miss perfect.” I laughed it off, but that bothered me a bit on the ride home. I thought to myself do I try to be perfect? I mean, who’s perfect I am trying to be?

Maybe she thought that way because I do a lot for my church or I help when it is needed… shoot, I really don’t know why she thought that about me, but I really don’t want her to have that perception of me. Truth is, a thought never runs across my mind to not be helpful, to not be accommodating, to not be vigilant. Bad things and thoughts just never creep into my mind. Getting over on people never crosses my path. Not being fair is never in my vocabulary. Doing bad to people is never in my mind! I just try to be kind and do what’s right based on how I was brought up. Now, in my adult life, I carry these simple traits with me.

So people, still, perceive me as this ‘goody two shoes’ or ‘little miss perfect’ but I am just acting in accordance to how I was raised. Bringing it closer to home, one of my personal problems: there are guys I meet that put me on this pedestal when they are first attracted to me. “Oh, she’s pretty. Oh, she’s wonderful. Oh, she got her head on right. Oh, she’s educated. Oh, she’s nice. Oh, she’s this. Oh, she’s that.” And, although, I am flattered, I find myself getting a bit cautious now when guys tell me all the extravagant things about me, and marvel at this woman called “Amber.” I really want to tell them, no, let’s just live and you will really find out about me. Because what if I slip up one day and get an attitude? Or act “out of character” because I am mad? Or say something that might offend you? Or do something you don’t like? What if one day that happens? Will I not be this wonderful person anymore? Will I only be human now?

We all fall short. I fall short several times, a day. The Living Bible puts it plainly  in Romans 3:23 “Yes, all have sinned; all fall short of God’s glorious ideal;” We will never be picture perfect in God’s eyes anymore, ever since Adam. But we can try to live the best way we can according to what He calls us to do, and hope His mercy endures over the rest. And that is my take on any type of relationship I am in, whether family, friend or romantic interest. I will try my best, and hopefully on things I fall short in, I can receive grace from them. I have been in plenty of relationships where I was told to “be myself”  but when I fell short of their standard,  I wasn’t enough for them.

I’ve quickly learned that some people like idea of what they want to see in you. Seeing potential is one thing, but I feel when you become oblivious to the fact a person will carry flaws,  it becomes a problems for me. Knowing very few people can handle who you really are. Too many people want the good side all the time, leaving the other person to feel stressed, overwhelmed and trying to walk on eggshells simply to appease.

That’s why I have learned through experience to be stingy with me. What I mean by this?

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Not everyone really should have your intimate company, in all seriousness. Like the quote said, we have to learn whose hand to shake and whose hand to hold. We go on in life trying to hold every ones hand, holding on to them, becoming closely acquainted with them, letting them in our personal space, letting them see us, metaphorically, naked. I am guilty of this. Everyone I would come in contact with who was new, I just let them right on in to my life.  I didn’t know how to distinguish between someone who should be ‘passing by’ from someone who should ‘stay’. I wanted everyone to stay! But recognizing the call that is placed on my life, everyone can not stay in close quarters with me.

If you want to know whose hand to shake and whose  hand to hold, that’s easy… Discernment!

Discernment is real! Discernment will let you know some stuff when others try to ‘cover up’ themselves. Discernment even sees over that. But it has to be learned and matured. God is growing my discernment by testing my obedience. How is He testing my obedience? By speaking to me. I am learning God’s voice day by day and He tells my spirit “No” “Yes” “Caution” “Proceed” “Don’t Go There” “Don’t Say that”… and as He instructs me, I follow. I don’t have peace about someone, I know it’s God talking. I don’t have a good feeling about somewhere, that’s God talking. Because I know my soul and spirit are well fed, I know the Holy Spirit is alive in me and helps me daily to make my choices.

I realized that there is something special on the inside of me. God has shown me this and He also told me to be careful with it, because people can and will mismanage what I have to offer. And as my ears perked up to what He told me, I started seeking Him for all interactions I have with people.

The moral of today’s lesson: We have to learn the moments when we need to be stingy with ourselves. We also need to learn that ‘perfection’ is in the eye of the beholder. As we strive NOT to be the perfect person people will paint us to be, but to graciously move forward being truly ‘ourselves’, flaws and all.

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6 thoughts on “Perfectly Imperfect & Stingy With Me

  1. Kayotic Konfessions says:

    I really enjoyed your blog post and I’m glad I read it because being stingy with me is definitely something I need to practice. Don’t let others labeling you as a “Goodie two shoes” change you. We need more people like you!!!! Then maybe the world would be a nicer and safer place.

    • misszellner says:

      Thank you so much for reading and encouraging me! Sometimes, we have to be stingy with ourselves because not everyone is equipped to handle what we have! Blessings to you!

  2. mrwrite4u says:

    Hello Beautiful Woman of Faith!

    Just thought I’d chime in on your most recent blog post. Please allow me a brief opportunity to humbly share just a few words…..

    One of the most glorious things about being a Child of the Most High God is that we are instructed by the Word of God on how to live our lives. Matthew 5:48 state specifically: “Be ye therefore PERFECT, even as your Father in Heaven is PERFECT.” So, your confidence in Ministry is contingent upon you understanding that you have absolutely NO CONTROL over what people think and even less control on people’s perception of who you are. God does not require us to please our fellow man, quite the opposite, he actually holds us to a HIGHER standard in that He require us to please HIM with our words, thoughts and our actions. You see, if we live a life attempting to always please our fellow man, who desire living a life after the desires of the flesh, than WE ARE NOT adhering to God’s instructions. You see, Christ is our example. You have to consider all of the WONDERFUL things Christ did when he was present on this earth. He healed the sick, raised the dead, and He was still an OUTCAST. Although hated by his fellow man, pleasing our Heavenly Father was of a greater priority and a much greater importance than pleasing His fellow man, even to the point of His persecution and His death. “Father, forgive them, for they know NOT what they do.” Luke 23:34: One of His last words before giving up the Ghost. You see, the scriptures identify two types of people My lady, those who live according to the Spirit (US), and those who live according to the desires of the flesh (THEM). There is no in between. Please understand My Beautiful Lady that you must consider your peers words and actions and use your God given wisdom in discernment to classify (not judge) where they stand in terms of the standard that God has set for His people through His Word. No matter what people say or do or where they personally stand in relationship with our Father, YOU, as a Child of the Most High God and a Commissioned Leader in the Kingdom of our God, YOU, must remain strong and confident in where God has called YOU. You must, at all cost, strive to BE the example. We must strive everyday ( although every single one of us has fallen short of the Glory of God, we must still, with an open and honest heart, ‘TRY’) to become more and more like Christ.

    DO NOT expect people to like you, no matter what you do, Because of God’s calling in your life, you will be despised, hated, and envied, all at the same time because YOU (and I) have God’s light and truth abounding (Christ’s Love) in our hearts and it is evident in our words and actions.

    You must NOT fret or worry, instead, you must strive even HARDER to become even more perfect. If your peers recognize your good works, do not fret, Glorify our Father in Heaven because your peers recognize God’s abounding Light and Love displayed in your life and in your actions. TO GOD BE THE GLORY. Give him your praise…

    “Do not fret because of those who are evil
    or be envious of those who do wrong;
    2 for like the grass they will soon wither,
    like green plants they will soon die away.
    3 Trust in the LORD and do good;
    dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture.
    4 Take delight in the LORD,
    and he will give you the desires of your heart.
    5 Commit your way to the LORD;
    trust in him and he will do this:
    6 He will make your righteous reward shine like the dawn,
    your vindication like the noonday sun.”

    Psalms 37: 1-6

    All in All My Lady, STAND STRONG in your convictions. Be of GOOD FAITH and of GOOD Courage. God has his hand on your life and trust, you are in Good Company. Trust in the Lord and he will fight your battles for you. Be Encouraged, My Beautiful Lady. God LOVES YOU…………as well as I.

    Be Blessed;

    Mr. Write

    🙂

    • misszellner says:

      Thank you so much for your words! You are always encouraging and know exactly what I mean in my blog post. I can’t let the weight of the world stress me out. The ‘label’ of keeping me to walk on eggshells. God designed me, and each and everyone of us uniquely. I am living up to his standards, and not the worlds. Bless you Bryson.

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