The Single Life Woes


*This was a personal blog I wrote 3 years ago, before I was engaged, married and with kids. This has been edited to fit context now.*

How can you make a single person insecure? Ask them when they going to settle down and have kids.

Excuse my rant, but I don’t get why they don’t understand it’s on your mind too.

Personally, one thing I could have lived without is going to another family gathering, holiday meal, a wedding or delivery of a baby, and everyone looking at the lone sister with no boyfriend and no kids. (Most times I dreaded even going.) Everyone looking like, and even asking, “When you going to have kids?” It’s already bad enough when the world looks at you as an ‘outcast’ because you’ve been in relationship after relationship with no outcome of marriage. However I felt even the people close to me softly remind me, “You are alone,” even if the words never came out. Yes, I wanted to be married before I have children, somehow I didn’t get credit for going that route? But grandma wants to see Nikki’ children before she passes. Of course. I want her to see them too.

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Did I want kids then? Yes. But I also wanted a committed man & husband to help raise my children far more than the excitement of having a child. I wanted a family. Some were blessed to get their husband, kids all before the age of 30. (I call them blessed anyway.) God predestined their path at that age because that was their road to take. But that wasn’t my path. I, in part, was one chosen to reintroduce a new way of things, which made me an ‘outcast’ for the moment. Was it my plan to be unmarried with zero kids by 30? Heck no! If I had my way, I would have been married with children by that age. I wanted to be a young mother, so I wouldn’t be old taking my kids to Pre-K. (Superficial I know.) But the steps of a good man are ordered by the Lord, (Psalms 37:23), and even though we make our plans, the Lord determines our steps (Proverbs 16:9) because He controls our destiny (Job 23:14).

Because I am a firm believer of the Gospel, and I know God works all things together for the good, then I know all of the “insignificant” relationships took their part for my now marriage. God placed a heart in me that really yearned for a loving, loyal and humble husband.

I didn’t want to have to raise children by myself.

I didn’t want men in and out of my life.

I didn’t want the nonsense and the drama.

And believe it or not, God spoke these very words “You will have a husband and children.” Was there something wrong with waiting on God to bring/awaken my husband? The long and short answer is – no.

The thought of settling totally disgusts me. It should disgust you too.

Some people think I was trying to wait on this ‘perfect’ man. That wasn’t the case – the wait was for the one God had for Amber.

This is just a vulnerable moment, as we all have them from time to time. I know from experience, single men and women have these thoughts and moments. When you pause to take a moment from doing the work of God, to realize God hasn’t said anything about your husband / wife yet… sometimes can get you down. It did for me. These are moments, no one knew I had. I hated to be reminded that the promise wasn’t there yet and it hurt a little. It made me more insecure – that what I was doing was wrong.

So I say to you – no one will be able to coerce, manipulate or seduce your promise, because who God is sending to you, is for you and no one else. Don’t think you have to rush into finding someone because you’re trying to beat the next person. In moments like this, you definitely have to encourage yourself, because the words that people can say can pierce your soul to the point when you have the audacity to question God. However, the good news is that if your confidence and identity is in Christ, when these feelings come, you can shut them down quickly.

This was on my heart to write, so I hope this encourages someone to the point of hope. You are not alone. Shut down those feelings, and know the steps of a good man are ordered by the Lord, (Psalms 37:23), and even though we make our plans, the Lord determines our steps (Proverbs 16:9) because He controls our destiny (Job 23:14).

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